At this point, Yellowjackets is all we can think about.
Antler Queens, cannibalism, and that spooky symbol haunt our every waking moment (and some of our sleeping moments, too). It’s gotten to the point where we can’t even think about our other favorite TV shows without wondering, “Hey, what would happen if these characters were stuck in the Yellowjackets’ situation?” After wondering for so long, we decided to do something about it. Here’s how we think 10 iconic TV casts would fare in the spooky northern woods.
Which member of the New Directions will become Antler Queen? Which Friends friend will be sacrificed? And who among each cast will win the coveted title of Misty Quigley? Venture into the wilderness with us and find out.
Succession
Alright Roys, it’s time for teamwork.
Credit: Graeme Hunter/HBO
Cutting the Roys off from civilization is a recipe for disaster. Apart from the occasional hunting trip, they have zero survival skills. Can you imagine Greg trying to skin a deer? Or Connor trying to start a fire? Or Shiv and Roman agreeing to share a rifle? It’s just not happening.
Instead of trying to survive, the Roys spend their time worrying about what’s happening to Waystar/Royco in their absence. “What are the optics of our plane crash?” they wonder over and over again. More pressingly: “Who are we without our company?” When they inevitably run out of business jargon to throw at each other, they’re forced to spend time together as a (shudder) family. That’s when things get boar on the floor-levels of dark. — Belen Edwards, Entertainment Fellow
Antler Queen: Succession has shown time and time again that Logan doesn’t lose. There’s little chance of that pattern breaking because of one pesky plane crash.
Sacrifice: Sorry Kendall, but you were Logan’s choice for metaphorical “blood sacrifice” in Season 2, which does not bode well for your chances of escaping actual sacrifice.
Misty Quigley: Tom.
GLOW
The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling may not be heading to “motherfucking nationals” like our Yellowjackets. But you know these top-tier performers and athletes make a hell of a team out in the maybe-supernatural-maybe-not wilderness anyway. For starters, we saw them crush a camping trip back in GLOW Season 3. Plus, if anyone knows navigating tense women’s sports moments in 20th century TV situations, it’s them!
With Sheila “The She Wolf” teaching survival skills and Cherry Bang leading combat training, this all-time badass group of ladies (plus Sam and Bash, obvs) does pretty OK while stranded. Early on, they establish a decent strategy for essential resources and talking through communication failures. But once they have their own Doomcoming and the wrestling personas come out, shit goes south. Zoya the Destroya meets human flesh is…a whole vibe. — Alison Foreman, Entertainment Reporter
Antler Queen: Carmen, but she’s actually super nice about it.
Sacrifice: Debbie, but it’s honestly best for everyone involved.
Misty Quigley: Bash, but he doesn’t even know why he’s doing what he’s doing.
Glee
If you thought the New Directions’ arguments over solos were rough, just wait until you force them to fight for survival. At first, Mr. Schuester turns their predicament into an assignment, no doubt resulting in fun performances of “Born to Be Wild” and “Wild Ones.” But it won’t take long before resident diva Rachel Berry snaps. We’ve seen how competitive she can get; we know she’s not above eating a fellow Glee Club member to stay alive. — B.E.
Antler Queen: Brittany.
Sacrifice: Matt. You know, the guy who disappeared after Season 1.
Misty Quigley: Remember when Rachel had a crush on Mr. Schue? Big Misty Quigley vibes.
Ted Lasso
Will fútbol be life or death in the wild?
Credit: Apple TV+
I know what you’re thinking: Ted Lasso? Isn’t that show just Yellowjackets with men anyway? But Ted Lasso is all about finding the light in life while Yellowjackets exposes the dark. How do the soft endearing men of AFC Richmond fare once separated from their sponsorship deals, pro athlete salaries, and the scrutiny of the public eye?
It takes Jamie Tartt less than 90 minutes to undo all his personal growth and make Jackie from Yellowjackets look like a freaking Red Cross volunteer. He eats everything and then gets eaten while the boys struggle to survive and live under the leadership of mommy, I mean, Rebecca. Ted’s sunny platitudes grate more than ever, but we like to think he’ll still hold the team together. He also seems like he has basic Boy Scout training — maybe he’ll coach the team on the basics. — Proma Khosla, Entertainment Reporter
Antler Queen: Danny Rojas
Sacrifice: Isaac McAdoo
Misty Quigley: As of Season 2 this is unequivocally Nate Shelley, but the finale makes it unlikely that he’d be on a plane with Richmond at all. So we’ll go with Jan Maas as someone who is secretly useful and certainly lethal.
Emily in Paris
When Savoir agreed to attend the Gilbert Group’s North American conference, chief marketing officer Sylvie did not expect it would end in more than a year of actual hell. What’s worse, she never anticipated this being the work event that would bring out the American’s entire social circle.
Unfortunately, even between Mindy, Camille, Gabriel, Julien, Luc, Emily, and Sylvie, the Emily in Paris crew has only a case of Champère, a few dozen packs of cigarettes, and not a brain between them. Everyone dies except for Luc, who is actually happier in the woods than he ever was in Paris. — A.F.
Antler Queen: Sylvie and she looks fabulous.
Sacrifice: Emily, immediately and with no questions asked.
Misty Quigley: Camille, who attacks the plane’s tracker with the same gusto she used to put Gabriel’s cast iron skillet in that toilet.
Community
Community features a group of lovable, flawed weirdos who would thrive away from the society that misunderstands them. Jeff is our Jackie, who quickly learns that his chosen weapon of toxic masculinity can’t feed a group of survivors, not even himself. Annie and Britta save the day with their combined book and street smarts, even if Britta scares off multiple deer by loudly lecturing everyone on the moral decrepitude of hunting before realizing that it’s the only way she’s going to survive. Abed’s imagination is a lifesaver on most days, but he has to be sedated during the shroom trip. — P.K.
Antler Queen: Shirley
Sacrifice: Pierce might be useful, but the others kill him to shut him up and make it look like an accident, dining comfortably on his limbs and wondering why cannibalism is so easy.
Misty Quigley: Cases could be made for Annie, Abed, or Britta — but look outside the study group and you’ll find the perfect candidate: Dean Pelton.
The Office
Who from Dunder Mifflin will survive?
Credit: Byron Cohen/NBCU Photo Bank/NBCUniversal via Getty Images via Getty Images
Michael Scott attempted to survive in the wilderness once before — with pretty rough results. But what happens when you throw the rest of the Dunder Mifflin staff in the mix? Absolute, unbridled chaos.
Prankster Jim tries to convince Dwight that the woods are haunted, but the scheme goes awry when everyone believes him. There’s a time and a place for pranks, Jim, and this is not it. As mass hysteria looms, Michael adopts his Michael Scarn persona in an attempt to look cool. Things aren’t all bad though: Oscar, Pam, and Darryl manage to hunt a deer. Their fatal mistake? Putting Kevin in charge of cooking the deer stew. You know he drops it. — B.E.
Antler Queen: Occasional cult follower and leader Creed dons the fateful antlers.
Sacrifice: Andy.
Misty Quigley: Who else could be Dunder Mifflin’s Misty but survivalist and resident weirdo Dwight K. Schrute?
Girls
Predictably, the main characters of Lena Dunham’s Girls have an absolutely garbage time in the woods. The only one who has a fun time is Jessa, who immediately suggests séances and shrooms.
Elsewhere, Marnie’s stress reaches new, potentially lethal heights, and Shoshanna, absolutely done with everyone’s nonsense, takes charge. And where’s Hannah during all this? Let’s be honest, she doesn’t last a day. If the wilderness doesn’t take her out first, the other girls certainly will — but not before she chops off Adam’s leg and attempts to care for him like Misty does to Coach Ben. — B.E.
Antler Queen: Shoshanna.
Sacrifice: Hannah.
Misty Quigley: Also Hannah.
Friends
Nineteen months after “The One with the Plane Crash,” Monica tries to sleep aboard a rescue jet bound for Manhattan. A flight attendant passes, offering pretzels or peanuts, soda or water. Monica is reminded of Joey, how he would cry out in hunger, even as he slept. His sobs tortured Monica in the wilderness; almost as much as the dirt and lack of coffee. But here, holding her breath and waiting to land, she longs to hear them.
“You OK, Mon?” Ross asks from across the aisle. Monica turns to reassure her older brother, when she is suddenly transported back to “The One with the Midnight Snack.” She remembers emerging from the shelter. Outlined in the glow of the campfire, there was the gang, or at least what had become of the gang, hunched over Rachel…or at least what was left of Rachel.
Those strappy suede sandals, bloody and beautiful, are still out there on the forest floor, Monica thinks. The horror of the revelation appears in her eyes.
“Mon, you have to understand,” Ross begins, knowing what she’s thinking but with his go-to excuse at the ready. “We…We….We were making steak!” The studio audience laughs. Monica screams. Fade to black. — A.F.
Antler Queen: Phoebe Buffay.
Sacrifice: Rachel Greene.
Misty Quigley: Gunther.
Bridgerton
Buzz buzz, Bridgertons.
Credit: LIAM DANIEL/NETFLIX
Suffice to say that a society as polished as Georgian England would not only balk but downright combust in a Yellowjackets survival situation. This is the group most likely to starve within weeks because they can’t get by without maids and butlers. Once survival mode is on, it’s savagery all the way. The men might be trained with knives and guns, but it’s the women who show no mercy when it comes to killing and eating.
The old world’s alliances come newly alive in the wilderness, where friends and beaus team up Hunger Games-style because it’s everyone for themselves. Daphne and the Duke go on a killing spree and eat everyone they can before turning on each other (in between bouts of absolutely animalistic tree sex). All the mother figures turn out to be pros with hunting knives, and they aren’t afraid to get messy. Colin falls in love with poison ivy. — P.K.
Antler Queen: Eloise Bridgerton.
Sacrifice: Philippa and Prudence Featherington.
Misty Quigley: Penelope Featherington.
